[Loonies] Froggy Fun!

[Richard Joltes]

Last Spring I worked up a services estimate for implementing a product I
support for my employer (we know who THAT is...) at a Canadian gov't
agency. The (very big) project is being managed by a group at the Canadian
division of said employer.

It's in the design phase, so all that's being produced are what are 
known as
"high-level design documents" (AKA "unreadable gibberish that costs lots of
money and allegedly tells you how we'll do the actual project...ha ha, good
joke, eh boss?").

Segue to last month. I'm told we have the contract. The Canadian project
guys want me to come to Montreal for 3 weeks' of on-site time in November.
I balk because I have lots of other stuff to do. But they insist. I talk 
them
down to 2 3-day visits (Tues-Thurs). Last week was the first one.

First notion of trouble: "we're giving ze workshops on ze products and need
you to present at least troi, err, three, while on-site."

"What are you covering?" I ask.

"How ze product works, le best practices, features. But your group is only
contracted for 120 hours, so you can't take time to create ze 
presentations."

"Well, okay, I can talk about ze...errr, the product..."

"...and zey have to be in lingue Francais, errr, French. Province 
regulations,
see-vouz-playz" (with apologies to Sam Clemens).

Oh yeah...it's Quebec. "I don't speak ze Frog...err, French."

"Zut alors! Does anyone in your group? No? Oh merde...errr, Merde!"

After extensive wrangling ("how am I supposed to do this when I don't
speak the language and you're not letting me create any material?") I wrote
up 3 sets of PowerPoint slides and sent them to the Canadian PM (Project
Manager, not Prime Minister). He translated them to French and said he'd
give the presentations in English while showing French slides to the client.
I'm to sit in the room to answer questions.

My head started spinning.

Thus it was that I spent 3 days sitting in meetings that were (you guessed
it) given in French. Every now and then they'd ask a question in English.
I'd spend at least 10 minutes trying to get enough context about what they
were discussing to be able to give a coherent answer. I'd give one, and
they'd be back into ooh-la-la-land mode.

Thing of it is, they were just being difficult. Every one of them spoke ze
English. They were just being Parisian about it.

What did ze PM tell them about ze product? No bloody idea. All I heard
for hours on end was the equivalent of Linus' teacher on the old Peanuts
cartoons. Even worse, he peppered his talks with lots of cartoonish
Gallic gestures that made him look like John Cleese's French caricature
from Monty Python (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVJ-W6LioB8
for an example).

I kid you not. 4. Hours. A. Day. Biting your tongue for that long hurts.

I called my boss to tell him I wasn't going back. He asked why, then I got
to listen to him laugh for ten solid minutes. I said to tell them 
anything...I'm
German, or have H1N1, or don't know what hockey is. I don't care.

d "he spoke FRENCH! Help him!" j